


Ursula's Christmas Pageant

by likehandlingroses



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 15:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6014344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likehandlingroses/pseuds/likehandlingroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Ursula lies to her father about a new relationship, he urges her to invite her girlfriend to visit for the holidays. Now caught, Ursula convinces her best friend, Cruella, to pretend to date her, just for the week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ursula's Christmas Pageant

_Five missed calls._

 

Ursula laughed to herself before glancing at the clock. She had time.

 

Cruella picked up before the first ring had finished.

 

“It’s about time!”

 

“You have ten minutes before my next meeting,” Ursula said. “So what happened?”

 

“She’s married.”

 

Ursula sat forward in her seat. “That’s a problem now?”

 

“It is when her husband shows up and they both ask me to stay. She wanted me to meet her kid, for fuck’s sake! I didn’t even know she had one, and there he is at the foot of the bed. He was a nasty little thing, too. All bug eyed and sniffly. I practically ran out the front door.”

 

“Well, when you’re still going to same places to find sex as you did when you were twenty...”

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

“Not a lot of people are still interested in all of that. They have families. And careers.”

 

“I have a career! Or I will. Once I really get started. You can’t rush art, darling.”

 

Who could forget Cruella’s dream of running her own fashion line? Of course, that dream consisted of maybe half a dozen sketches done over and over and over again for the past fifteen years. Ursula didn’t think any designer had used an actual sewing machine less than Cruella did.

 

“Anyway,” Cruella continued. “it’s the twenty-first century; no one is forced to get married anymore. If you’d rather go to bars and shag women, go right on ahead and do it. No need to keep dead weight around as well.”

 

Ursula smiled. Nothing she hadn’t heard before...and nothing she wouldn’t hear again, come to think of it.

 

“Yes, Cruella, we should all aspire to be you. That all?”

 

“Is that _all_?” Cruella said, enunciating every word. “Yes, that’s _all_ , darling.Thought maybe you could use a laugh. Or do you not have time for that since your promotion?”

 

“You’re hilarious,” Ursula said as a knock on her door made her jump as though she’d nearly been caught doing something wrong. “Hey, I have to go. You’re not too traumatized for our dinner tonight, right?”

 

The Tuesday night dinners at Ursula’s house had at first begun as an effort to ensure that Cruella ate something not out of a box at least once a week. In time, the rules had gotten lax, and the two women were as likely to order Chinese as they were to cook something up. But the tradition remained, in stout opposition to Ursula’s increasingly busy schedule.

 

“Too traumatized for free food?” Cruella remarked. “Never. I’ll see you later, darling.”

 

Ursula cancelled the call and grinned at her phone for a moment before setting it down on her desk.

 

“Come in!”

 

* * *

 

 

“-it was so wonderful, seeing all those people getting married after the ruling, wasn’t it?”

 

Ursula closed her eyes. “Yeah, Dad.”

 

“I want that so much for you, Ursula,” he continued, and Ursula contemplated setting the phone down. It would be a while. “For you to find that someone you can spend the rest of your life with. And now you can! You used to ask your mother to pull out our wedding album nearly every day when you were little, do you remember that?”

 

“I remember it, Dad.”

 

“I’ve spent years wishing you could have that, too. You always seemed to want it so much. You’re telling me there isn’t anyone you might bring when you come home?”

 

Ursula had some friends whose parents didn’t speak to them anymore, and there were times when she envied them beyond belief.

 

“No, Dad.”

 

“Oh,” he said, and Ursula cringed at the disappointment in his voice. "Well. That’s all right, then. Maybe next year, huh?”

 

Ursula swallowed back yet another apology, another reassurance that yes, _maybe_. _Someday._ She was weary of it. But, with nothing in its place but silence, Ursula found herself filling the gap with utter nonsense.

 

“It’s not that there isn’t someone. I just...I can’t bring her,” she blurted out. “She’s uhm...she’s got family in Washington. State.”

 

 _What the hell?_ Ursula knew she had to get rid of this fake girlfriend as soon as she could.

 

“You have a girlfriend?” Ursula’s father exclaimed. “That’s wonderful! Do I know her?”

 

The joy in his voice made Ursula want to sink into the floor. The fake girlfriend was going to have to stay a bit longer. He’d be crushed if she told him she’d lied.

 

“Uhm-”

 

“-it isn’t that woman you used to room with in college, is it?” he said. “What was her name...Cruella? I know we didn’t get off the right foot, but I always thought that she and you...well never mind. Who is it?”

 

“It’s, uhm, yeah. It’s Cruella,” Ursula said. _Because why the fuck not?_ “But, like I said, she’s...she probably can’t come with me...her family in Oregon and all.”

 

“You mean Washington?”

 

“Yes! Yes, Washington. That’s the one,” Ursula said, laughing too loudly at her mistake.

 

“Well, no couple should be separated at Christmas! Why don’t you go with her? I won’t mind, Ursula.”

 

_Oh for fuck’s sake._

 

“No, no, that’s okay, Dad-”

 

“-but her family must want to meet you-”

 

“Not really. They’re kind of terrible.”

 

_And very dead._

 

“Terrible?”

 

“Yeah, they...they’re just really bad about the whole gay thing…”

 

“Then why is she flying out to see them?”

 

Ursula kneaded her fingers into her skull. What the hell was _wrong_ with her?

 

“I don’t...I don’t know, Dad.”

 

“She’s probably only going because she's never had anywhere else to go,” he said, and Ursula felt her stomach clench in anticipation for what was sure to come next. “Invite her to our place, Ursula.”

 

“I did, she-”

 

“Well, you invite her again. I want to see her here. It’s Christmas.”

 

“Dad, I-”

 

“I’ll call her up and invite her myself if I have to-”

 

“No!” Ursula cried out. “No. That’s okay, Dad. I’ll ask her.”

 

A few minutes later, having assured her father that Cruella could be convinced to come and said her goodbyes, Ursula stared at the candle flickering on her table in astonishment.

 

What kind of idiocy had convinced her to do such a thing? It was all that work, that was it. It had drained all her common sense and rationality, and here she was, faced with telling her best friend that they were dating.

_Cruella’s going to kill me._

 

* * *

 

 

Cruella dropped her chopsticks.

 

“You told him what?”

 

Ursula stared at her rice. “That you’re my girlfriend.”

 

“You’re joking, right? Because that’s not funny, darling.”

 

“No, I know it’s not funny because I did it. I told him.”

 

“Well, why the _fuck_ would you do that? He hates me!”

 

“Because I-I don’t know! My dad kept talking about how there was finally no excuse and how nice it would be to see me settle down with someone or at least bring someone by for Christmas and I just...you were the first person I thought of!”

 

Cruella’s eyes narrowed. “How romantic.”

 

“It’s not like that!” Ursula said, her face getting hot. “I don’t know any other single lesbians, okay?”

 

“Well, find someone online or something like a regular person!” Cruella reached for another eggroll. After tearing into it, she dropped both halves onto her plate and sighed. “Fucking Christ, Ursula...what am I supposed to do now? Go to your house and play wife-to-be?”

 

“I didn’t say we were engaged! Jesus, Cruella. I’m not completely stupid. Anyway, what else are you going to do on Christmas? Drink alone?”

 

Cruella, who had picked up half of her eggroll, set it down again and glared at Ursula. “For your information, I got an invitation for a Christmas party at-”

 

“-at Mal’s place? Please. All that’s going to be there is booze and cocaine and mid-life depression. At least there’ll be food at my dad’s place. And it’s just for a couple days.”

 

“I don’t know where you learned about relationships and what they generally entail, but they tend to last more than a few days,” Cruella said, opening sweet and sour sauce packets at an aggressive speed. “Even I know that.”

 

“Look, in a couple months we just mention we broke up."

 

“But then you’ll be right back where you started.”

 

“Let me figure that out. You just come with me and play the part and it’ll all be over before you know it.”

 

Cruella rolled her eyes. “I knew I should have made you buy me another order of eggrolls.”


End file.
